Saturday’s weigh-in is on my mind. On the one hand I’m actually pleased I only gained by a small amount, but on the other hand I am gutted it was yet another gain. I didn’t think my over-eating was too bad in the preceeding 7 days, but then I remembered eating pizza last Sunday. I’ve also been picking more than I am probably willing to admit, even to myself.

I am approaching today with a renewed committment. I’ve had only 1 LighterLife foodpack – a porridge one – and I am consciously trying to consume more water. I also got my Withings scales out of mothballs and am going to weigh myself every morning and evening. This will help me psychologically for the short-term, but is not something I should do over the long-term. Imagine that, a lifetime of weight checks every morning and evening. Then again, if it keeps me in control of my eating.

It really does get me down sometimes. Today is a “down” day, especially as I failed to keep to the plan on Sunday and yesterday. The guilt plays on my mind and if I’m not careful it can make me want to eat again to try and cheer myself up. I am trying to battle this by going to the gym tonight and doing some personal training. I always feel good after those sessions, so hopefully they can begin cheering me up instead of food.

Onwards and downwards.

It’s been a busy week or so. I’ve started personal training sessions and have my 4th session tonight. First session focussed on abs. Second was arms and chest. Third was circuits, with focus on legs.

As a result, I’ve been barely able to move owing to muscle fatigue. It’s been agony. I am told it will get better, hurt less and I’ll recover quicker each time. I hope so.

At Saturday’s session I nearly blacked-out though because I had just come from my LighterLife weigh-in, had breakfast and went straight to my PT session. I didn’t have enough energy and come the round of burpees I was seeing stars.

This presents serious challenges. I can’t reconcile a low calorie diet (900-1000 cals) with exercise at this level, especially muscle work.  I need to consider my plans carefully.

It physically hurts to type this thanks to a massive arms session with my personal trainer, Liam. He’s only young, about 21 if I recall, but he seems to know everything. Just a slight adjustment to form and the intensity doubles. Today was arms, Tuesday was abs. Back again on Saturday morning after my weigh-in. I’m looking forward to it, even though I complain about the post-workout pain. It’s more discomfort anyway and I know it’s the muscles that haven’t been worked in a long time. It will get better and my workouts will improve. I am looking forward to the day when I can do 10 full and proper press-ups. That’s when I will know that I have made excellent progress.

Eating has been off-track again this week, though not as bad as last week. I try not to find excuses, but it has been a very stressful time at work and I know I’ve been eating at times to deal with this. Today is a good example. Went to the pub with a couple of the lads and I had a Chicken BLT sandwich with wedges. Before that would have been a big fat burger, so an improvement that I picked from the ‘light bites’ menu this time, but the point is I should have had a foodpack instead. That’s the plan and I should stick to it.

I am not going to give up. I will get back on track with LighterLife Lite.

Today’s eating behaviours were not too bad. There was some picking this evening and my dinner (fajitas) was not part of the plan I am supposed to be following. I will need to be better with it all tomorrow, not least because I have my first killer PT session at 19:30 :-s

Drove to Leicester today with TG. It was the first time I had driven there and the first time I had him as a passenger. We survived – just. I then rushed back this evening to be on-time for the lady from the life insurance company who came to carry out a medical check on me given the numerous declarations I made as part of my application.

A father who died of lung cancer (8 years ago next month), two uncles who died of lung disorders, a mother who has suffered about 15 strokes, epilepsy, partial paralysis, systemic lupus, liver disease, partially sighted and schizophrenic … and then add my own history of obesity-related high blood pressure. I’d be amazed if alarm bells didn’t ring.

Still, it was quite emotionally difficult to list it all off and explain it all. Kind of made it all feel very real, personal and close.

More cheerfully, I watched the marathon yesterday and it really inspired me to get on with training for the Coventry Half Marathon later this year. Tonight’s session also helped with motivations for a healthier lifestyle.

I’ll put today down as a ‘cheat day’. A small bar of chocolate, a bag of peanuts and assorted pickings from the cupboard and fridge. Not a good day by any stretch, but nowhere near as bad as a whole cheesecake plus extra mixture like last week.

We didn’t go out either. Weather was mixed, but I wish we had still gone out. Instead I sat and played games most of the day, which was relaxing but not good exercise.

Weigh-in at LighterLife went better than expected. I stayed the same. After all this worry, I stayed the same. It blew me away. It was also encouraging because it meant I wasn’t dealing with a ‘disaster’ gain and weeks of additional work to again lose weight I had already lost just weeks before. To make sure I stopped skipping sessions I handed over some post-dated cheques – if I don’t show the cheques still go in. That’ll keep me motivated!

I went straight from a good group psych session to the gym where I pre-booked a load of PT sessions. We begin work on Tuesday evening.

We then went to Birmingham for a walk around the Bullring. Bought some Timberland boots from the shop there, which I’m delighted with. Having just lived out of running shoes and one pair of formal shoes it was long overdue.

Today was tough, but a good result. There was just one moment of danger. I asked Liz to make sure she ate or threw away the cheesecake from Monday. She tried a bit, thought it was too ‘heavy’ and handed it to me. I tasted some. Then some more.  I managed to steel myself for a moment, though, and asked her to take it away from me and bin it before I ate it all. Phew! A close shave! But doesn’t it show just how easy it is to slip in to a relapse of addictive overeating. The sooner more people realise overeating can be an addiction too the better.

Much better day.

• 1 x Porridge Food Pack for breakfast with coffee and water
• 1 x Pasta Carbonara Food Pack for lunch with coffee throughout the day
• 1 x small quorn stir fry with cabbage
• 1 x small (20g) home made shortcrust pastry tart with cherry jam
• Sugar free jelly
• Some sneaky prunes

I was supposed to have a food pack when I got home from work, but Liz was going to be sad if I didn’t try one of her tarts, especially as she had made them so small. So I had one instead of my foodpack after agonising.

I had some jelly later on. It really helps as it’s only about 8-12 cals per sitting, so if I get the urge to raid the fridge I go for the jelly, which I now call “the emergency jelly”.  While I was getting it out though I did grab a few prunes from the bag that Liz opened earlier, which was both unessential and a reinforcement of the behaviour that is causing me problems.

Still. Good progress compared to two days ago.

Arrived at a decision. I’m going to commit to the LighterLife Lite for Men programme once again. I’ve taken action and texted my counsellor and asked if I can arrange a drop-in to talk and get new packs.

Need to do something because today I felt rough all day. Excruciating headache, heartburn and indigestion. All a result of yesterday’s mega relapse. Entirely my own fault.